By Rev Roberto Ochoa, Conference Minister, Iowa Nebraska South Dakota UCC Conferences
But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. (Luke 15:20 – NRSVUE)
Jesus’ parable of the relationship between parent and child as illustrated in his telling of what is commonly known as the “prodigal son” is a favorite one of mine. The impactful image of the Divine as an unconditional loving parent, in this case a father resonates in me to this day. The idea, that no matter how low and undeserving we may feel as human beings, a greater source of Love is always there to welcome us back and envelope us with comfort and care.
My own relationship with my Dad was a complicated one, especially when I came out to him as gay. He was conditioned to be macho by the Mexican culture and upbringing he was born into and the thought of his son being “less than” that image of masculinity was unthinkable for him for his first-born son. His initial reaction to me was banishment and rejection, followed by an awkward period of “don’t ask, don’t tell” as we navigated our relationship from child into adulthood. It wasn’t easy, yet our love for each other kept us going somehow.
When Dad was 50, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and a procedure left him partially paralyzed for the rest of his life and often needed physical assistance. One day he asked me to drive him to meet his pastor for counseling. At the time, I was studying for the ministry, and we both established our very different understanding and approaches to scripture and faith; however, I agreed to drive him to his church. What surprised me, when we got there, was that he insisted I enter with him into the pastor’s office. At first, I balked and said no, but when Dad pleaded with me, I relented and entered in.
The pastor was about my age at the time and he directed us to sit in a couple of chairs across his desk. When he asked my Dad what he needed counseling in, my Dad proceeded to tell this pastor, that he was struggling with the fact I was gay even as he loved me very much, and felt he failed me as a father. I immediately could feel the emotional lump in my throat witnessing my Dad being so vulnerable.
The pastor then turned to me and asked me if I was happy for causing my father and family grief due to my evilness and should be ashamed of myself. My theological training had prepared me to engage with the man, which I did briefly and when the pastor accused me of espousing “false teaching”, I decided to end the conversation. So, I stood up and when I extended my hand to this pastor that I hope we could at least disagree as “brothers in Christ”, he responded “I don’t shake hands with the children of the devil.” I turned to my Dad and informed him I would wait for him in the car.
Our drive home was a quiet one. When I dropped him off at this house and walked him to his door. I kissed my Dad on his forehead and simply said “I love you Dad”, In my car driving home, I sobbed to think my father felt he failed me for being who I am.
Several months later, I was talking to my Mom over the phone and inquired about how Dad was doing in his pastoral counseling. Mom paused before answering. “Your father has stopped going to his pastor and we’re looking for a new church.”
“What?” I responded, “What happened?”
Quietly, my Mom replied “Your Dad was devastated on how that man treated you, mijo. We can’t belong to a church that is going to disrespect and hurt our children.”
It was my Dad’s way of welcoming me back home, fully as I am.
Dad and Mom eventually found another church, and though our theological differences mostly remained, their new pastoral leaders and congregation treated me well. At my Dad’s funeral, his pastor and I officiated together.
Fathers aren’t perfect, we’re all products of our environments and what we are taught. Most of us do the best we can…and my Dad, loved us the best he knew how.
To all our fathers and father figures that are loving their families as best as they know how, may God continue blessing you richly in the joy and love that comes from your parenting. And to those that reminders of father/father figures are painful, may the Spirit of a Divine Parent that loves us unconditionally bring you love, comfort and peace.
Bendiciones y Paz,
Rev Roberto